I was talking to a friend who suggested perhaps my blog audience wasn’t growing because, those in the midst of the same search for meaning as I am, want answers. People don’t want to hear about the struggles or the process of getting there. We all want a quick fix.
Then, I came home and found something I had written last year. In reading it, I am reminded that this journey started long ago and will continue hopefully many years to come. I share it here because by doing so I remind others that you are not alone.
There are people who will tell you they have the answers. They will give you the 5 keys to happiness or the 10 steps to financial freedom. However, at the end of the day what we all have is another sunset and a deep yearning in our heart to feel connected.
If you resonate with anything I write than I am making a connection. My purpose is to share love, not to give you the answers. And I give this to you freely.
Written sometime in 2013 …
It doesn’t matter what I do, where I go … What matters is who I am. Who am I in each moment? How do I choose to live and breathe and respond to the people around me?
I’ve been searching so long for this dream “job” … For my life mission, passion, place on the world. I’ve prayed. I’ve asked. I’ve dreamed, visualized and tried to find clarity. Years keep slipping by and I don’t feel any closer to knowing the answer other than this … That I am. I am a unique expression in the world. I see people and I love. Can this be enough for me?
What is missing? Yes, surely another person to share my depth of love and life with … To breathe in each others breath, to hold, to stare into each others eyes and feel the connection of our oneness. And yet it is as if I think finding that one will complete me. As if then I will be and know happiness.
I have spent so many years in pursuit of happiness. In pursuit of love or recovering from love lost. Life keeps spinning by faster and faster and I am searching and searching and realizing there is no finding.
Life is made up of these individual moments. It is made up of love and suffering. Of hope and disappointment. Of good and bad. There is no point where we arrive and I will always find myself here … Trying to find out why I feel discontent. Trying to heal or fill the void. Looking for answers to these questions of meaning and purpose.
What if it were really as simple as returning to the present. But of course it is that simple. It is perhaps our egoic mind that wants things more complicated. Always the challenge to be fully in the present moment without drifting off into past, future or the multitude of thoughts that barrage us every day.
Return, return again. This theme forever present … Awakening and slumbering. Drifting off again looking outside myself for the answers. Judging myself for drifting off. The vicious cycle of feeling as if nothing changes.
And yet it is the nothingness that does not change that is my salvation. It is the nothingness that is the I am … For the seeker is the one who remains unchanged.
And all the changes this seeker called me has made … All the growth, the learning, the lessons … They are all beautiful and polishing of my essence, but my essence is still the same; will always be the same. It is the essence that asked the same questions at 17 I ask at 50 … Who am I?
And always, always the answer … I am.
If you enjoy my blog, please consider sharing it with a friend and signing up to receive updates by email. Look for the subscribe to updates via email and join me on my journey. My mission is to connect with the heart in others and share a little wisdom along the way.