I was thinking today about part of the reason I started this website and it was to share my journey as I discovered and built a life that I love. It’s now nearly four months later and it’s been an interesting journey. I know I haven’t been blogging much lately and when I remembered my purpose for starting the site, I was reminded I need to share more of what’s going on.
In the beginning, I felt full of confidence that I would be able to catapult myself into a successful career as an inspirational speaker and writer. My commitment in writing was to help those who also wanted to create a dream life discover how to do it by following along as I created mine. My thought was that perhaps by seeing how I was able to get off auto-pilot and build a new career others would be able to do the same.
I’m not so sure that those that have signed up to follow my blog are necessarily looking for that sort of answer. Some of you are friends who have supported me in my dreams, and a few of you are strangers who have either discovered me via Facebook or some other means. Whoever you are, thank you for being a part of this journey and your patience with me as I grow.
I know in my last blog I talked about my self-critic and how I felt I had gotten off the path – been distracted (again) by the day-to-day concerns of how to pay the bills or just spacing out on actually focusing or practicing those things that I want to teach. By that I mean learning and using tools to create a life we love and implementing/sharing all of the spiritual teachings I’ve read and studied over the years.
Ironically, during the past four months while I was working so hard to make some extra money, I didn’t really need to be since I was still drawing my severance pay. Now that has ended and I have 14 weeks of drawing less than half of that amount of money on unemployment. The part time job I had as a personal organizer ended today, and I’m trying hard not to freak out about not only learning to live on MUCH less, but also about what’s going to happen when unemployment runs out at the end of February.
However, what I discovered is that while I was working so hard to make extra money, I was not working very much at all on my own stuff. This is part of the reason why I haven’t really been looking for a “real” job … because I sensed if I went back to work in the corporate world I would fail to follow my dreams. So I fooled myself that by working as a personal assistant/organizer I could make money without sacrificing my goals. But then I didn’t pursue them very much because I was too busy working.
Perhaps all of this has happened to make me more fully understand what the audience I intended to write this blog for really feels like … since most people who have a dream of a different life can’t leave their known income source to follow their dream. And I discovered quickly that when one puts in a full day at work, there is little energy to come home and start working on developing a dream life.
Mostly I’ve discovered I am completely undisciplined and lead a pretty unstructured life. I’ve confirmed that the motivation to do things coming from a “should” place means those things simply don’t get done. Given the option of sitting down and writing a blog, listening to a webinar on marketing my business, or even sitting in meditation … versus playing a computer game (my favorite happens to be Texas Hold Em) or binge watching an old television show on Netflix … well, I’ve been making the choices to do the later. A lot.
After all, when one is exhausted from working a full day, who wants to sit down and work some more? Even if it is on something that would eventually get us out of the daily grind?
So, I could say I’ve been making the “wrong” choice. Assuming I believed in right and wrong. Which my inner critic most certainly DOES. But the problem then is that the driving force to make a different decision comes from that old sense of “should.” I “should” meditate every day. I “should” make better use of my time, etc.
And – like most people – I don’t like being told what I should do. Even when that is coming from myself. So, I’ve set myself up in a vicious cycle of continuing to do things that aren’t in my “best interests” and continuing to feel unhappy and unsatisfied by my choices.
Boy am I familiar with that old tread mill. Often when I’ve talked about “awakening”, what that has meant for me is to start making different choices. So, I spend a little time remembering to make choices that support my dreams, and then I “slumber” – which is to say I slip back into old patterns. And so it goes.
Above all, what I intend to do the rest of this month and next is to get back in alignment with what I am wanting, so that my choices can come from a place of WANT and not SHOULD. Although I am concerned about paying my bills etc., I am going to relax about it all and trust that I will be supported and things will work out. After all, if I am going to teach about reframing things and trusting the Universe then the best way I can do that is by starting here … now.
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Blessings and love to you all – those I know … and those I’ve yet to know!