I just watched a video blog I recorded when I first started this journey. As with so much of my focus at that time, I talked about balancing faith and fear. I had to re-record the video several times before I got a final “take” because I kept shaking my head “no” every time I said, “I trust there is a perfect part time job for me to help pay my bills as I work towards my vision of being a writer and speaker.” Clearly, there was a part of me that didn’t believe this statement.
I ended the video enthusiastically stating how I was committed to being successful and sharing the journey so others could follow. I proclaimed: “This is how we go from here to there. I’m on the journey, join me. Let’s all take the plunge. Let’s start to create the life we love and let’s work through the issues that keep us from doing it.”
I recorded that video on September 3, 2014, almost a year and a half ago. It is fascinating to sit where I am today and watch it and note I feel as if I have failed in some way. I don’t see myself as a writer and speaker and have been in a fairly long writing slump. I don’t think I kept my end of the bargain to share the journey because there have been some significant gaps between my blogs.
Today I had my first published article from Tiny Buddha reposted on their Facebook page, with over 2,000 “likes,” 700+ “shares,” and numerous comments. The article was about how we don’t have to be perfect to enjoy our life. The following section had been pulled out and quoted:
“I’ve realized it’s so easy for me to get caught up in this idea that I need to be perfect. If I only drink enough green smoothies, go to yoga class, and chant an hour each day, then I can be happy. However, the minute I skip some part of this self-imposed regimen, I beat myself up and feel like a total failure. Life is about slumbering and awakening. It’s about falling off the wagon, the exercise routine, the diet, the spiritual practice. Anyone who appears to always be perfectly aligned is most likely not being fully authentic. We are human, and this is what being human means.”
As is often the case when I read something I’ve written, I’m amazed at how I need to be reminded. I’d fallen off the wagon again. This feeling as if I’ve failed at what I set out to do in my video and blog is another great example. Because in many ways I can see I haven’t really failed at all.
I actually did create a perfect part time job to help pay the bills. It turned out to be the multiple caregiving jobs I am doing now and absolutely LOVING. My mother has reminded me I didn’t leave the corporate world to be a caregiver, but the bottom line is I didn’t return to the corporate world because I chose to create a life I love … and I really love my life. It wasn’t what I thought it was going to look like, nor is it traveling around the world speaking as one of those successful people I reference in my video. But it is a life I love and isn’t that what’s really important?
I may have had some lengthy delays between blogging or writing, but I’m still writing. I’m still sharing. I’m still living the journey.
Some days I wonder if I’ve given up on my initial dream to be this highly successful speaker and writer because it’s been so easy to feel complacent and comfortable in the life I’m now living. I’ve been thinking a lot lately on what it is that I really want, why I feel like my dreams are more distant and why it initially was so important to me to write a book or be an international speaker.
I promised people I’d share my journey. What happened over the last year is I became paralyzed by this need for it to look a certain way and have certain results. As I kept trying to figure out how I could earn an income through my writing and/or speaking, I moved farther and farther away from actually doing either. The further away I moved, the more I felt like a failure. The more I felt like a failure, the less I felt inspired to write or speak.
These days I’m returning to the simple core of why I wanted to do this sort of thing: I wanted to spread love, happiness, joy and peace. The irony is, I’m actually already doing that in each and every moment of my day. So, I keep asking myself, “Why can’t this be enough?”
Imagine what the world would be like if everyone woke up and asked themselves: “How can I bring more love, peace, joy, compassion and kindness to this moment and to this day? What can I do to be the light and be love in this moment and in this day?”
The thing is that so many of us who want to be successful bloggers, authors or speakers are so busy trying to figure out how to have a bigger impact on the world, we’re forgetting that it’s these day-to-day, moment-to-moment choices, decisions and actions that actually are impacting our world. It’s easy to miss the little ripples we’re making because we’re looking for the big splash.
I made the decision this week that my job is to just spread as much love, joy, peace and happiness as possible each and every day and to let the Universe / God / Spirit take care of the rest. I may not ever make it to be one of those big name inspirational speakers I thought I wanted to become, but I have certainly created a life I love. And I will continue to share the journey so that others might find a way to do the same.
Thank you for being here and for sharing your light in the world. Never under estimate the power of a kind word or glance. Each of us is more powerful than we know and the little things matter. As for me, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to stop trying to “fix myself,” but I’m definitely committed to continuing to return to the essence of why I started this journey: to be love.