A Curve in the Path

The idea of getting a part time job to help pay the bills while I am establishing myself as a writer and speaker seems sound. Even if at the moment it may not feel so great. I figured if I can make between $20-$25 per hour, then I can work 20 hours a week and pay the mortgage.

I’m figuring by now the Universe has heard me loud and clear since I’ve been saying I don’t want to go back to the corporate world. So, even if I was to spend more energy and effort submitting applications into that black hole, I doubt much would come out of it. Still, it’s the go to solution for most everyone in my position.

Lose your job, re-write your resume, send out as many as you can. For the majority of people this is what happens when they get laid off. The objective is to find another job as soon as possible.

Dreaming of being a motivational speaker and successful author, I decided to take a different route and create my dream life instead. I bought a domain, developed this website and started to blog. I forged enthusiastically forward with confidence I can create anything to which I set my mind.

Sure, I spent a little time half heartedly rewriting the old resume’, beefing up my LinkedIn network, and looking at job posting advertisements. I even drafted a couple cover letters and sent out an application or two. No harm done by keeping all my options open, right?

I also dusted off an old business idea and spent a little time considering doing that as a way to earn a little extra dough. I looked at some franchise opportunities that were similar. I shared the idea with a few people and posted the business service offering on the neighborhood listserv.

In the end I wasn’t convinced my idea was sound enough to make a go of it. So I didn’t keep at it to really find out. I’m also finding my confidence in actually making a go of it as a speaker and writer is fading with time. After all, there are thousands if not hundred of thousands of people trying to do the same thing.

Now, in the middle of dealing with my doubts and fears, I’ve discovered I’ve been practicing spiritual bypass most of my life. Essentially this is the use of spiritual practices or beliefs to avoid dealing with painful feelings. My entire framework of “tell a better feeling story” is coming crashing down all around me.

Positive thinking is the bedrock of my spiritual belief. As I have said before, the meaning we give to the events of our lives is in direct proportion to the quality of our life. In this statement I’ve indicated that when we can interpret all events as happening for our highest good and growth, we can live happier and healthier lives.

Yes, I have given lip service to becoming friends with my fear and the importance of feeling our feelings. However, in general I’ve stayed pretty lofty in my idealism and heady in my thoughts. I really don’t spend very much time listening to my body.

So perhaps it should come as no surprise that the part time job that seemed like such a sound idea leaves me very acutely aware of my body. A cushy state job for 8 years, followed by 7 years in an easy sales job, didn’t prepare me for being on my feet 8 hours. Cleaning is hard work.

My commitment to my readers is to share what I’m going through. And I may be stretching to use the term “my readers” since I haven’t yet developed much of a mass market of followers. Still, my writing is about sharing the journey and this is where my journey is taking me.

I am grateful to have a regular part time job where I can work as much or as little as I want. I am relieved I won’t have to worry about not having the money to pay the mortgage. And I am thankful to be acutely aware of my body and my emotions.

I’m not giving up hope on being a writer and a speaker, although I’m less inclined to want to join the spiritual gurus who would have you meditate to dull the ache we all feel in our search for greater meaning. I’m still determined to create a life I love and exploring what that means. My personal growth continues to unfold.

I recently wrote something my mother had said to me about just living the best honest life I can. I’ve submitted it to a few sites which require unpublished writing, so I can’t share it here yet. However, I will write more soon about this subtle shift in my thinking and the more radical one of coming off spiritual bypass.

In the meantime, I’m going to keep writing and keep sharing. Thank you for reading and being a part of my journey. Every day is an amazing opportunity to begin anew.