Happy Birthday To Me!

I am at the beach for my birthday celebration ~ 25 (reversed) today, February 9, 2015. Life continues to pass by at an alarming speed and my weeks fly by like the pelicans outside my window. Well, actually even faster – weeks turn into months and months turn into years with lightening speed.

About a week ago I decided to put up a poster board on the wall outside my bedroom and keep track of what I do each day. I thought perhaps it would help alleviate my sense each Friday that I hadn’t gotten anything done all week. I haven’t written on it since last Wednesday and even then there wasn’t a lot to write. So much for that idea.

It’s interesting how this happens for so many of us – our days melt one into the other and we often feel as if we’ve not gotten anything accomplished. If you’re anything like me, you look back at the end of the week wondering where it went. Inevitably I also feel some lack of forward movement, as if I’m still standing in the same place I was when the week began.

Of course in many ways, I am still standing in the same place. Existentially speaking there is only one place ever – and that is the here and now. Still … those parts of me whom believe I should have accomplished more external things are discontent with this existential rationale. I am, after all, in a society driven by accomplishments.

In the last few weeks I have felt as if I have tapped into a deeper and greater understanding of all things spiritual (and existential). It is as if I have felt in one of those ‘awakened’ states I have written about when talking of slumbering and awakening. My mind has been sharp and my vision clear.

The perception that I have finally ‘gotten’ these spiritual teachings I’ve been studying and wanting to share is however merely that – perception. With it has come an understanding that I will not always remain in this state of awareness. Furthermore, to even delineate between awakening and slumbering is to be caught in a judgment of one or the other as better or worse. Any state of judgment of ourselves or others separates us from the full experience of being.

However, that statement in itself can sound like a judgment, so I am also recognizing that as a human being with an ego, I cannot completely get away from my categorization and classification. I think this is partly why I’ve decided to assign the interpretation of “good” to everything that happens. You know, the old ‘find the silver lining’ idea.

But I digress. It is a sense of passing time with unfulfilled goals or achievements to which I started writing. The underlying dissatisfaction with myself for not having picked up the house, cleaned out the car or done whatever else is on my list of things “needing” to be done. For me, lately it’s about not having written more or taken additional steps to further my new career as a speaker and writer.

Not to mention, yes, there’s also the need to pick up my house and clean out my car. Instead I took off to the beach and shirked all of my responsibilities in order to celebrate. Thereby spending money I could say I ‘shouldn’t’ be spending and/or time I ‘shouldn’t’ be “wasting”.

And now it is Monday and Friday will be here before I know it. Another week gone and the question still present ‘what did I get done?’ All the little things I do each day don’t get noticed because the big things are hovering over me and I’ve subconsciously created a list of “should’s” and “should not’s”.

By setting so many goals, it’s easy for me to miss the journey. Thus, the passing of time. If my eyes are constantly on the horizon, I may not see the path beneath my feet. I can also then unconsciously make my happiness contingent on getting someplace else other than where I am.

This year, as I move into the full expression of who I am and open myself to being more fully present in the moment, I am committing to release attachment and judgment. Each moment unfolds into the next and I don’t expect time is going to slow down anytime soon (or ever). So, I will enjoy the journey, be gentle with myself, and feel gratitude for the now.

 

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