The last couple of days I’ve spent some time looking through old journals for writing ideas. Time is a precious commodity, even when one has no job and should have plenty of it. I thought perhaps I might find a shortcut to producing more original content by reading some of my old writings.
Rather than providing me with brilliant ideas, however, reading through old chapters of my life proved depressing. The theme of the same goals, dreams, ideals and periods of insight without breakthrough was scattered throughout my writings over what seems like decades of my life.
I’m including here an excerpt from one of my journals. I will share why it was so alarming after you have read it:
“… too many moments of waking up to slumber again. I am so very tired of my old patterns and my own self-deception.
How to break out? Why are the moments of my change so fleetingly?
I feel frustration – I don’t know what to do, what I want to do – and this sadness is still here. This hopelessness of such a repeated pattern with no clear direction or awareness.
… why is waking up so hard? Because it requires changing life long patterns and enforcing greater self-discipline. It is easier to slip into distraction and numb the pain. And yet so many people seem to be wanting a more authentic life.
The “new age” or “new thought” movement grows stronger every year and those leaders on the cusp of that prosper. And I should be there – how can I differentiate myself and what message can I convey to help? How should that be done? What medium? What message? What purpose? I see myself before an audience of people and I don’t know how to get there.
What would make my message different and what is my message? What do I want? I want to help people wake up – to stay awake – to connect from their heart – change perceptions / attitudes. I want to help people to do the very thing I am struggling to do! Find balance, peace, joy, happiness – live an authentic life, fulfill dreams/potential. See beauty everywhere.”
On the surface this writing is beautiful and rings true with who I am and what I want. What was alarming to me is the date of the entry: over the counter fertility drugs to conceive twins on clomid June 11, 2009.
Have I really lived with this awareness and insight for so many years without consequence? I wrote this over 5 years ago and yet I did nothing. It was as if I had slumbered again.
Reading it, old fears surfaced: What if this time in my life turns out to be just like the others, where I had great intentions but didn’t follow through? What if I just end up forgetting all this again? What if I fail?
Fortunately, I am able to see what is different. My frustration at that time and in many journal entries both before and after was related to my sense of having unfulfilled potential. I quote myself “… deep down I know the true root of my unhappiness is indeed my inability to figure out and follow a more meaningful course for my life.”
This is such a perfect example of where awareness is not enough. Even in recognizing and identifying why I felt unhappy, I did nothing to change it. I didn’t know where to begin or what to do, so I did nothing.
What has changed is my dedication and commitment to the 8-steps to getting off auto-pilot that I am now living and eager to share. Although the steps are not necessarily separate from one another, nor meant to be taken in any kind of chronological order, each is important to create the kind of transformation we are seeking.
Of them all, what I have listed as the last step, is a big part of what is different today. That step is “Taking Action”.
By itself, taking action is meaningless. However, it was a huge missing piece of my life until recently. Six months ago I started my website and blog with a video asking the question “how do I get from here to there?” As I grew in my awareness and understanding, I began to understand a better question is: “what can I do to get from here to there?” As I asked this question, I began to take baby steps.
I don’t know where the path is taking me, but I am committed to keep moving forward. Although I have a destination in mind, I am also dedicated to enjoying the journey. What has changed for me is I am finally listening into my heart’s desire and taking action to make my dreams come true.
If you haven’t made the breakthrough you desire, consider joining me for a free overview of the 8-steps, but more importantly, consider taking some action – any action – to move you in the direction you want to go. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.