As the season changes to fall, I find myself in some ways slowly emerging from the chrysalis of the last few months. And yet, I am keenly aware that there is still much churning within and my liberation is not quite at hand. But things are definitely changing.
At this time of year, as children we were often given an assignment to write an essay about what we did over the summer. For me, this year had the joys of many walks with dogs as I added a new way to generate income to my stream. However, I also realized that a huge chunk of my time went to America’s new favorite pastime: binge watching Netflix/ HBO/ Amazon Prime …
Of course, this gave my inner critic great ammunition. However, I am grateful to the awareness which catapulted me into finally saying: “I NEED A RESET!” I realized that if we say we want one thing, yet continue to make choices that are in opposition to that, we are either fooling ourselves about what we want or unconsciously engaging in self-sabotage.
For example, for me, this means I’ve said I wanted to be an inspirational speaker and writer. Maybe for you it’s something different, but most of us have areas of our lives where we say or think we want one thing but we don’t take actions to support that. I’ve spent most this year justifying why I haven’t done more to make progress on my original dream. I’ve examined if maybe that isn’t what I really wanted. I’ve written blogs about how I’m happy doing what I’m doing, so why isn’t that enough, etc. Yet, something in me has still felt unsettled.
The truth — my confession — is that I’m undisciplined and lazy. I don’t say that as something that is just my inner critic talking, but as a truth without judgement. I have not made choices consistent with this vision and so I’ve tried to justify my actions with a focus on the little things I DO do each day to bring love, peace and joy into the world.
I’m not saying those things aren’t important or that there isn’t a wisdom to my trajectory of thinking. I’m simply coming to realize that something in me strongly feels there is a higher purpose or calling to my life that I’m not currently fulfilling. There is a dis-ease under the surface that will not go away until I fully align with who and what I believe I can be.
Being out of alignment with myself means making choices to do things like binge watch Netflix instead of writing or working in some way to find my passion. Being out of alignment with myself meant having a few too many drinks a couple times a week. Or not taking better care of my body/mind/spirit through exercise, yoga, meditation etc.
When I sat down and looked at my ideal self versus my present self, there was contrast; Not always extreme, but certainly stark. I spent some time contemplating what I think my ideal self would be doing, thinking, etc. and how much of that was realistic or coming from some image of a perfectionist. What were the changes I thought I needed to make to be in alignment, and what was keeping me from making those changes?
I had read about an exercise that involved visualizing your perfect day. From the moment you get up: Where are you? Who are you with? What are you doing? From sun-up to sun-down what would your perfect day look like?
Some people don’t have any trouble with this exercise. Yet, I couldn’t get past breakfast. I had no idea what my perfect day would look like and no matter how many scenarios I tried on, none seemed to fit. But one thing was clear, the person living that perfect day wasn’t the person living today.
She got up each morning and did yoga, meditated, drank fresh vegetable or fruit juice … I have no idea what else she would do because I couldn’t go any further in my visualization since I’m not her.
But I want to be.
I think that is why so many of us read self-improvement books, sign up for workshops, etc. Some part of us wants more than the life we are living. Something feels as if it is missing but we can’t quite put our finger on it. For me, I might implement a change in my routine only to find it disappears after a while and I’m back to the same-ol’, same-ol’.
Then the weeks turn into months, and the months turn into years, and it feels as if nothing has really changed. Time keeps on slipping into the future and I have not yet taken control.
I know I have changed and I have made progress. And I know I don’t have control and never will have control. Going with the flow is what it’s all about, right? Truth. And truth to the message of love what is and be happy in this now moment.
I can get lost in that truth, but the part of me that wants something different, something more, will not go away.
Maybe it will never leave me, but as I churn inside this cocoon of transformation, I know that I have to start making some changes to find out. So, I am digging deep to clear the roadblocks and begin the process. And I feel afraid that I will fail (yet again), and I feel excited that I have begun (yet again).
It is a process – I believe it is called life.
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Thank you for being a part of my journey. I share freely so that I may assist those who can relate to what I’m saying. We are not alone — each connected to one another in our own unique and individual ways, a part of a greater cosmos beyond understanding. I am committed to this connection — to unity, to growth, and to love. This, I know.
As the season changes to fall, I invite each of you to find your own inner light and let it shine.
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