Pieces of the Puzzle

Having a blog is interesting because I start to be aware when I haven’t posted in awhile. If you haven’t guessed already, I’ve been in what you might call a slump of creativity. I’ve not quite felt as if I’ve had it all together lately. It’s like I’ve been spinning in space – a bit lost – waiting to get back down to a creative, inspired vision.

I think I’m caught in the grist and mill of the grind and having difficulty seeing what’s being created or the work that’s being done. Almost like I’m caught up in my story. It’s an uncomfortable place to be, however it’s perfect to help me practice what I preach, so to speak.

I’ve allowed myself to feel discouraged and without direction rather than using the tools of reframing and shifting my focus and attention. In this, there is the irony of my own forgetfulness. This thing I have called “slumbering” has actually managed to slip in and hijack my life, (again). Perhaps not completely, since I’m recognizing it, but it’s still been here.

When I think about the areas of interest I have had over the last several months, they often seem disconnected. First, my enthusiasm about helping people get off auto-pilot and sharing the importance of how we give meaning to and interpret the events of our lives. Next, I discovered my passion for sacred caregiving and the desire to create a national movement and training program for direct care workers. As I explored that path, I unveiled a forgotten interest in the field of death and dying. While there are some connections, I’m uncertain as to how they all fit together.

I could choose to look at my inability to find one focus as floundering. I could continue to see the disconnection between each of these and continue to feel lost. Or I can use the power of my perception and ability to find a different interpretation my experience and reframe what is happening. Doing so requires I step outside of myself long enough to let go of how things appear now.

This is what I’ve been doing and working through lately. I’ve been thinking about how all of this is floating around me and the connections just haven’t come together yet. And I’ve been remembering to trust they will. When I shift my attention away from feeling that all of these things are separate, and remember everything is connected, I am filled with instant peace and relaxation. It’s a simple mental shift, yet it does wonders.

However, it’s hard for me to maintain this peace because I want everything to happen on MY timetable. I’m so anxious about getting to the end point, where I’ve got it all figured out and have all the answers. Therefore, I’m forgetting some of my own major beliefs:

– there is no end point;
– I’ll never have it all figured out;
– I already have all the answers;
– it’s the journey not the destination.

Since making the choice to be a writer and speaker, one of my consistent themes has been what I am living and demonstrating right how: how our periods of spiritual conscious awareness (awake) and forgetfulness (slumber) are a part of life. I’ve written several articles addressing the importance of being gentle with ourselves and accepting our patterns of slumbering and awakening. I’ve had a deeper understanding of how we will have times we remember that we’re writing the script and telling the story, and other times when we will get lost in the drama and forget we can take control.

It makes sense to me that my life is going to continue to reflect this theme on multiple levels. Certainly I wouldn’t be writing about it if it wasn’t my personal experience and if I didn’t expect it was also that of many others. The irony is to discover there was a part of me fooled into believing that since I had the awareness of the cycles of awakening and slumber, I’d stay awake.

It’s nice to experience an opportunity to practice self-compassion and reframing. I’m floating in the “in-between” time and learning how to let it be okay. It’s hard letting go of the desire to push the river and figure out the next phase of my life a little faster. It’s equally difficult releasing the thoughts that I am wasting my time or “should” be doing something different.

Yet, these are the choices I have to make in order to improve the quality of my life right now. Because no matter how hard I work, study, or write, there will be times the pieces just don’t seem to be fitting together. Trying to force anything else but what is, will not succeed in making me happy. All I can do – all I must do – is reframe what is happening so that it serves me.

Feeling frustrated, lost, or hopeless does not serve me. I can honor those feelings but recognize they are being created by my thoughts and viewpoint. Beating myself up for not having accomplished more or for not being in a different place does nothing to help get me there. Having the perception that I’m spinning my wheels and getting nowhere is not going to move me forward.

The fine line with reframing is releasing into a trust of the process and a bigger picture while continuing to look for inspiration, guidance, and direction. Trusting that things are unfolding does not mean it’s okay for me to ‘wallow in the mud,’ give up striving, or stop looking for the connections. What it does mean, however, is that I won’t be able to put the pieces together if I’m trying to force them or stay focused on how they don’t fit.

Putting together a giant puzzle seems a good analogy for this delicate balance between loving what is while still moving forward. I can appreciate each piece and can enjoy what has come together, but sometimes it’s necessary for me to step back and take a break. Because I don’t have the box that has the completed picture to help me figure it out.

In our lives we don’t have the box with the bigger picture, and sometimes we will feel as if we’re floating in space with no connection to what is happening. We put together the borders and then try to figure out what goes in the middle, picking up pieces and putting them down again. Sometimes we have to tear the whole thing apart and start over.

I’m gently grounding myself with remembering all the pieces are here. They will come together when the time is right. I continue to write, play, laugh and cry and thus live my life fully. And I remind myself once again, it’s the journey, not the destination … and it’s nice to reawaken.

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