Slumbering and awakening could be called “Stuck” and “Unstuck”, or “Off-Track”/”On-Track”, “Off the Path”/”On the Path” … but underneath it there is the assumption that there is a path or a way that I “should” be. There is an underlying judgment of myself.
So, I return again to the question of how to completely love and accept myself while simultaneously growing. I’ve been feeling off-track and have found it difficult to turn my attention around. When I get so bogged down that I’m up to my neck in muck – and all I can see is a reality that is far from what I want to create – how can I turn that around? How do I make changes without self-judgment?
The inner critic rails and my sense is that any changes I try to make based on that energy will not be lasting – at least that has been my experience thus far. So, how can I make changes from self-love? How can I make changes – not from the “should” – but from the want, the desire, the choice?
I understand it is all about choices. And when I feel I’ve made a string of choices that I’m not happy about, how do I start making different choices without it coming from the inner critic?
I haven’t written anything in awhile and it feels as if I have been off-track – caught up in a reality of worry and fear, doubt, insecurity. It’s hard to be and feel inspired from that energy. And I’m finding it’s difficult to pull myself out of it.
It’s been 3 1/2 months since I was laid off from my job and it feels as if the time has flown. I haven’t accomplished nearly what I wanted to by now and I have been having trouble not beating myself up about it all. By now I had hoped to figure things out and be well on my way towards a successful new self-employment career as a spiritual speaker, writer, and author. Instead I feel as if I am lost – even further back than where I started when I came back from personal retreat with a passion, a mission and a calling.
I understand personal growth and awareness is not linear. However, intellectual understanding and feelings aren’t always in alignment. I can read back on my own advice and know all I need to do is step back into the stream. And yet, when one is neck deep in muck, that is easier said than done.
I find the cycles of my “on track/off track” interesting and at least now I am a little better about not getting TOO down on myself when I feel as if I’ve gone off course. A part of me doesn’t believe there can ever really even be an OFF course – but another part of me certainly has some firm ideas on what is in alignment with my purpose and what is not. So, I’ve been a bit down on myself … and realizing how hard I am on myself is probably connected in some way to healing I need to do.
So, one small step. I’m here sharing what I’m going through, which is what I promised to do when I began this website. I am thankful that I am aware of the choices I’ve made that don’t feel in alignment with where I want to go, so that I might make new ones. Mostly, I am trusting – on some deep level – that all of this is a part of what I am needing to experience for my growth.
Thanks for sharing the journey and to all of you who have given me such wonderful support!