I woke with my cats purring and gratitude in my heart for the simple act of waking. I’m single, so it took a few minutes before I remembered today is Valentine’s Day. When I did, I felt a warmth towards myself rather than a loneliness so many feel on this day.
I spent years hungry for a relationship. I would rarely go more than 3 months between the ending of one and the beginning of a new one. Once I was attached to someone, I’d quickly become co-dependent and needy.
I sometimes struggle not to feel as if I’ve wasted huge chunks of my life by staying in some of those relationships which were abusive or unhealthy. I was so desperate for love and afraid of being alone I put up with a lot of sh*t.
Intellectually and psychologically I understood that I needed to love myself. That was a bit hard, however, when I didn’t even know myself. Trying to fit into someone else’s definition of who I should be and how I should be didn’t allow much time for self-exploration.
Breaking my relationship addiction wasn’t easy. It took a several years of maybe going 6 months to a year between relationships only to find I’d repeat the same dysfunctional patterns in the next one. Although I was managing to lengthen the time between one relationship and the next, I was still searching.
Searching for love outside of ourselves isn’t always conscious. It certainly wasn’t for me. I’d think I was ready to date again only to find myself compromising what I wanted or feeling unfulfilled.
Once I really started spending more time with myself and not filling my days and nights with other people or distractions, I stopped needing to be in a couple relationship. I started really enjoying my own company. I got to know my individual likes and dislikes.
Today, I am open to a relationship but happy with the one I have with myself. This relationship is the best I’ve ever been in before. This day is MY day. When we fully love ourselves, we can fully love each other.
Wishing each of you a Happy Valentine’s Day – give love to yourself first and then let love flow.
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