Ah, the joy of feeling as if I was finally on the right track. If you read my last blog, you know I had created this wonderful check list of positive changes I was going to make. Surely it was the answer to all my problems. If I could only get myself in full alignment with my spiritual and personal beliefs, then the rest of my life would all fall into place. My first week of using my new “tool” went pretty well.
If only it was that easy. By day two of week two I was a complete and dismal failure. I stopped even bothering to check off boxes because most the goals on there weren’t being met. I slipped into a depressed state and started waking up with a horrible back ache. Hmmmmm … out of alignment suddenly took on an entirely new meaning.
I tried to write about it last week but was too embarrassed to post. Then I started to talk to people about how I was feeling and found out I wasn’t alone.
I’m going to post what I had written because it will give others a clearer idea of what I’m talking about. Maybe you can relate. Maybe not. But here is what I was experiencing last week:
Admittedly, I’m lost. I have no clue which direction to go. Life Is Good® t-shirts may proclaim “Not All Who Wonder Are Lost,” but I certainly feel as if I am. The discomfort of this not-knowing continues to drive me to distractions, addictions, and depression.
Deep in my soul I know I’m here for a reason and it’s just got to be bigger than what I’m doing. Yet, no matter how many books I read or courses I take, I have no clue what I’m supposed to be doing. Time keeps on moving and I still feel stuck.
When I fully allow myself to feel this dis-ease, I feel sick to my stomach. My eyes well up with tears. My head starts to hurt because it’s so difficult to simply “sit with the feeling.”
I hate this feeling. I’m so frustrated I could scream. I’m so sad I could cry. I’m so depressed because I know I’m going to die.
I’ve been up, I’ve been down, I’ve been all around. I’ve jumped from band wagon to band wagon. I’ve been conscious; I’ve been unconscious. I’ve felt brilliant; I’ve felt like a total failure.
But I haven’t found a place to land.
I have trouble sleeping. I feel tired all the time. My mind goes in circles trying to figure it out. I don’t have any answers.
I feel this incredible pressure to figure out what I want to do with my life. Because I don’t think or feel like what I’m doing is enough or is sustainable in the long term. I’m not able to enjoy the journey because the road I’m on feels like a dead end.
How many of you can’t believe it’s already November? It’s that sense that time is flying by at this lightning speed and nothing is changing. Many of the people I talked to have been in a similar “funk” … just not feeling enthusiastic for life.
Maybe it’s the collective energy of the divisive nature of the America right now with the upcoming election. I would be remiss if I didn’t at least mention that what’s happening in American politics is foremost on most peoples mind as November 8th draws near. Each side is terrified the other side will win and sure that should their candidate not succeed it will spell disaster for our country.
I believe in collective energy and the fear circulating right now may indeed have to do with my own depressed mood of late. It’s hard to stay focused on creating positive changes and spreading more love in the world when there is so much division. It’s hard not to be afraid when one is convinced the country may be going to hell.
It’s also hard to stand up and be an inspiration when I feel so uninspired myself. Who am I to advise anyone else on how to live their life when I can’t seem to get my own on track? Why should anyone want to “follow me” or read my blogs when I’m just another confused and struggling nobody?
Yet deep inside, I know that so many of us share this common thread. This sense that we are meant for something more than the daily drudgery that can become our life. I’m lucky in that my daily life is actually filled with a lot of joy through the service that I do, but I’m also struggling to be more, do more and have more.
American spiritual teacher and author Adyashanti said “All that is necessary to awaken to yourself as the radiant emptiness of spirit is to stop seeking something more or better or different, and to turn your attention inward to the awake silence that you are.”
I wish I could ask him how one stops seeking something more or better or different. For those of us with a burning desire inside to make a difference in the world or change our life, this feeling as if we’ll go to our death bed without fulfilling our purpose isn’t easily pacified. We may intellectually or spiritually agree that being here now is all there is, however, emotionally we’re not so on board.
So, I am here now. Sharing honestly. I’m a communicator. I’m a connector. I’m determined to give a voice to what most people hide inside. I’m committed to documenting my journey and helping others. Does reading my blog help you feel less alone? Do you relate to what I’m saying? Do you understand the struggle?
We each have our own unique problems and voice in the world and yet we are all connected through our shared humanity. We are not alone. I realize there are many who will not relate to my message, and that’s okay. Even if only one person feels some sense of relief, has some insight, makes a connection, or perhaps acts in a more loving way, then I have succeeded.
The thing about failure is that if I am failing, then at least it means I’ve tried. Each day presents an opportunity to get up and try again. It’s the putting it off until tomorrow that really gets me in trouble. “I’ll get up and exercise in the morning. I’ll start that diet next week. I’ll stop whatever (fill in the blank) after the Holiday.”
I’m guilty of this. I confess. But I’m trying. Yoda said “there is no try, only do,” and although I agree, I also feel there is something to be said for good intentions. There is a lot of power in intention so I’ll keep setting mine. I have successfully failed, but in order to fail, one must act.
One day. One step. One act at a time.
As always, thank you for being a part of my journey. I share freely so that I may assist those who can relate to what I’m saying. We are not alone — each connected to one another in our own unique and individual ways, a part of a greater cosmos beyond understanding. I am committed to this connection — to unity, to growth, and to love. This, I know.
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